


Shifting Forward

by owlsshadows



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Shapeshifting, Unrequited Love, Wishful Thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-04-12 11:08:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19130800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlsshadows/pseuds/owlsshadows
Summary: Wishes are dangerous for his kind; his mother had always said so.In which Chikara is a shapeshifter and, wishing to catch the attention of a certain teammate, he is not afraid to create an entirely new persona.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gilrael](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gilrael/gifts).



> Once young and foolish, I challenged Emma into writing a slow burn drabble. She wrote me a string of drabbles instead, which built up to a slow burn get together fic, and it was so amazing I wanted to return the gesture somehow.
> 
> Hence, this monster was born. Proceed with caution. It may or may not cause heartaches.
> 
> Warning: though the shapeshifting is described vaguely, people with vivid imagination who are not good with body horror may find it triggering. Proceed with extra caution in this case.
> 
> Last note: I swear it will end on a happy note!  
> Thanks for reading :)

1.

Wishes are dangerous for his kind; his mother had always said so.

 _And oh, how right she was_ , Chikara realizes. The desire that finds him deep in the night is all but generous, taking over his subconscious, twisting and turning his body – it blurs away lines and morphs parts of his body. His head splits, his face melts, limbs tangle into delicate ribbons of flash and pain. His lungs heave for air before they turn into liquid, melting through newly formed bones. His heart, his crazily beating heart, is the only part of him that remains intact, carrying and protecting the feelings that suffocate him.

The morning when he wakes with a mole under his lips and thick black hair reaching his shoulders he knows – he lost his battle against a wish. Shimizu Kiyoko stares back at him from the mirror, even if her face seems little unfamiliar without her pair of glasses.

Chikara sighs, lifting his now thin hands to his new, exceptionally pretty face. His ring finger lingers around his mole a bit, hesitant before he finally covers it.

There.

As if he could hide his hideousness just like that.

He has to admit, his subconscious is one opportunist bastard – for the attention he desires is of a very specific kind – one that Shimizu Kiyoko happens to receive a lot.

 

2.

It was a laugh that twisted his mind – the most obnoxious, insufferable, ugly laugh he ever heard, one that happened to be just too loud to be called carefree, and just too throaty to be called a laugh at all. It was more of a howl, mixture of a roar and a guffaw, soaring across the gym and reverberating in his heart.

Chikara knew the first time he heard it that it will one day become his weakness.

 

3.

He had his eyes on Tanaka Ryuunosuke since the first day he had met him in the gym.

The guy is ridiculously simple-minded to the point that he actually proposed marriage to Shimizu Kiyoko the moment he laid his eyes on her, and shaved his blond locks right after her immediate rejection.

He is also dangerously good-looking, to the point that Chikara’s heart flutters whenever his eyes catch a glimpse of Tanaka. From his sharp jawline to his toothy grin and his piercing eyes filled with determination, to the sweet tan of his skin, to the glint of sweat running down his neck, to the shadow of his collarbone revealing when he jumps, to the muscles toned so fine under his impeccable, healthy skin and the protrusion of his spine where his neck meets his back – Chikara could watch him all day and all night and his eyes would still feel famished.

 

4.

Shapeshifting is painful. It is tiring. The thrill he felt as a child when his mother first showed him his heritage had soon been overshadowed by all the setbacks it had come with. By now, he finds it none other than a curse.

Except for when it comes in handy.

And for someone with a wish as strong as his, the ability to shift is a chance.

He stands before his mirror, blood rushing in his veins fueled by excitement and a bizarre fear of his own resolve. Adrenaline drums a fast paced song in his ears as he folds his hands into fists, eyes fixed on the mirror, focusing.

The first he feels is a tug at his scalp as hair starts to grow out of it rapidly, lush and dark and straight and long. Next, his vision blurs as his cheekbones mold, curve into something softer and his nose perks up shorter, more button-like. He loses the feel of his arms as they fold, curl back in his body. The next second he falls to the floor, losing his consciousness.

When he regains awareness and stands, a brand new face glances back at him from the mirror – something more mellow, more feminine. With his long black hair and big dark eyes, his pale skin and pointy nose, he looks like a newborn fawn.

This is not that different from Shimizu Kiyoko. But it still feels a little like himself.

 

5.

Chikara spends the lunch break scrolling through the selfies he took the day before. He looks at his new face from all angles, studying it.

A terrible, horrible plan is forming in his head.

“Oh, pretty!” he hears a howl just beside his ear. Casually, Tanaka leans into his personal space, face barely apart from Chikara’s, and stifles a whistle. “You’ve got taste, Ennoshita. Who’s this? Girlfriend?”

“My cousin Hanako,” Chikara replies, too fast, too frantic. His lie is not caught.

“I see,” Tanaka grimaces. “On second glance, she does look like you.”

“What’s with your face?” Chikara laughs, forced and fake. “Is she no longer pretty now that she’s my relative?”

Tanaka shakes his head violently, swearing on everything dear to him that it’s not it. “She’s really pretty, it’s just…”

“I see. Any resemblance to me takes her appeal down, huh?” Chikara jokes, heart sinking.

“Nothing of the kind. I simply think I was insensitive,” Tanaka explains. “I don’t know how protective you are of your cousin, but even if she was a girlfriend, it was rude of me to make such remarks and whistle…”

Chikara locks the phone. The picture of his feminine mask disappears from the screen, to be replaced by the reflection of his own face in the black glass.

“I’m not offended at all,” he says, turning to pat Tanaka in the shoulder. “So no worries.”

“Thanks, Ennoshita, but I should really be more tactful in the future…”

“Well, that maybe,” Chikara flashes a smile, friendly and polite, from his repertoire of well-practiced expressions. Hiding his trembling hands in his pockets, he gulps down his nervousness as he continues. “I can arrange for you to meet her if you want.”

Tanaka blushes, scratching the back of his head nervously.

Chikara stifles a sigh.

_His lie is not caught._

 

6.

The mall is huge – more imposing than ever before. Maybe because there are more shops targeting the female audience. Chikara fists his hands in determination. For someone with a solid plan to proceed with, he feels suddenly very underprepared. He did his research and took all necessary measurements beforehand. It still feels wild, entering a shop on his own, especially one that screams of pink and frills.

For a few seconds, he wanders aimlessly, a little lost between the almost identical looking rows.

On second thought, he should have probably gone to Uni-Clo. Or H&N. Get something simple to start off with.

He is about to turn away and make a run for it when a shop assistant finds him.

“Can I help you?”

“I uh… I’m looking for a dress for my little sister.”

“Is it for a birthday?” the girl asks. She seems friendly and approachable, and Chikara welcomes her help. Riding on the story offered to him, he smiles.

“She will be sixteen next week,” he says. “Recently she has been complaining about how all of her clothes look childish. I thought something elegant and ladylike would make her happy, but I’m afraid I’m no good when it comes to fashion,” he gives out an embarrassed laugh.

Well, at least that second half is not a lie.

“Sounds good,” the shop assistant smiles back at him, then turns on her heels. “I already have an idea!” she exclaims, starting off with bouncy steps towards the depths of the shop.

Chikara allows for a resigned sigh to escape his lips.

He knows it’s a mistake. Yet, he’s almost excited going through with it.

 

7.

The dress he chose with the help of the shop assistant is a darker shade of blue with accents of light grey; it reminds him of the stormy sky and Tanaka’s eyes. He likes how it flows, he would for sure feel even more out of his element in something that clings to his body.

It is weird enough to wear a bra. While the soft cotton panties and the pair of flat sandals he chose feel almost comfortable, the bra is just an instrument of torture. While at least it doesn’t have those horrendous wires inside he tried on previously, he still feels the band of it tighten around his frame every time he takes a deep breath to calm himself, and he hates the feeling of it digging into his sides.

His respect to his female classmates suddenly rises a few notches.

The station is crowded for a Saturday morning; people exit the platform in flocks like disturbed flightless birds.

With every arriving train, a mass of bodies engulfs Chikara’s personal space, passing by him towards one of the staircases leading to the outside. With every arriving train, his hand squeezes around the strap of the handbag over his shoulder and his heart squeezes inside his chest. With every arriving train, his eyes search the crowd frantically.

He knows he shouldn’t show his excitement – and especially, his face must not light up when he finally spots Tanaka, since he is not even supposed to know him in the first place – but he can’t help the small, nervous laugh on his lips.

Tanaka walks up to him directly, as if he had no doubt who his blind date is.

Chikara damns himself for the happiness he feels – after all, Tanaka is not on a date with _him_ , Tanaka is on a date with _his cousin, Hanako_.

But Tanaka sends him a warm smile and he seems almost bashful as he introduces himself.

Chikara smiles back, red dusting his cheeks.

This is a terrible idea.

 

8.

They walk around the lake and Tanaka nervously eyes the boats, popular with couples. Chikara, having gotten over of his initial anxiety and feeling more comfortable about his new appearance, eyes him knowingly.

He bets Tanaka did his research before their date.

The café they went to was something popular with girls, so was the rose garden before. Chikara couldn’t even imagine Tanaka going to any of these places on his own accord. Yet, somehow he fit there. With his face almost always red, but at least a little dusted with pink, he looked the piece of a boy in love.

When Tanaka asked him if he wanted to take a stroll around the lake, Chikara had already half caught on to Tanaka’s scheming. Still, it makes him wonder if Tanaka asked his sister for help, or if he read these ideas in some online magazine.

“Those boats look cute, eh?” Tanaka’s voice drags Chikara back to the present, and he flashes a well-mannered smile.

“They do,” he says.

One part of him finds the hard-working Tanaka absolutely endearing.

The other part, the nasty one, doesn’t want to make Tanaka’s job easy.

“Do you want to, uh, try riding one?”

_He is sweet._

“Only if you paddle,” Chikara teases.

Tanaka nods in response, blushing violently.

 

9.

“Hey,” Tanaka plops down to the chair in front of Chikara’s desk during break.

“Hi,” Chikara greets him pulling out a neutral expression from his repertoire as if he was a magician with a head and a rabbit. It feels a bit strained. Tanaka doesn’t seem to notice. “How did your date go?”

Tanaka blushes. He dares to blush. In front of Chikara’s math homework he forgot.

In fact, he had never forgotten his homework before.

But he had never seen Tanaka this cute either.

“Uh, it went well, I guess. Didn’t Hanako-chan… did she talk about me?”

“Not with me,” Chikara replies, nonchalant. “We don’t talk every day, you know. Especially not about our love lives.”

Tanaka growls in reply. He sounds pained, but mostly he seems embarrassed, hiding his face in the pit of his elbow.

“Don’t phrase it like that please.”

“Alright,” Chikara sighs. “You want to talk about it, don’t you?”

“If… if you feel comfortable with… it’s your cousin after all…”

“What, did you two kiss?” Chikara flashes a wicked grin.

On the inside, he dies a little.

Tanaka must feel like dying too, literally whining as he throws his head on Chikara’s desk.

“Of course not!” he says. “I’m not that type of a man! And… Hanako-chan is not that type either.”

“There’s nothing wrong with kissing on the first date,” Chikara teases. Somehow he manages to disconnect the information that Tanaka talks about the date he had with _him_ , in order to act his part of the annoying friend.

“No, but… anyways. I almost… I almost held her hand,” Tanaka admits.

Chikara blinks in response. He didn’t notice. A sudden chill runs down his spine at the thought that Tanaka might have tried, and he accidentally pulled his hand away.

At least, Tanaka doesn’t seem discouraged, so whatever happened or almost happened, it was probably to his liking.

“She laughed a lot,” Tanaka continues. “I think… I think she enjoyed herself.”

“And you? Did you enjoy your date?” Chikara asks. His heart humbly hands in its resignation letter.

Tanaka beams a smile at him.

“Yes!”

 

10.

“Hanako-chan!” Tanaka greets Chikara with a smile brighter than the sun. He wears what seems to be all new clothes, hand fiddling with the cinema’s brochure.

“You arrived early,” Chikara bows in reply, batting his eyelashes.

“Uh, not at all,” Tanaka replies, “I just arrived a few minutes ago myself.”

 _Liar_ , Chikara thinks. He had been watching Tanaka, pacing himself nervously between the two entrances to the cinema for a good half hour before he decided to enter.

“So? What are we watching?” Chikara asks, raising on his tiptoes to peek over Tanaka’s shoulder into the brochure.

It’s upside down.

And Tanaka’s ears burn brightly.

Chikara’s heart squeezes dangerously.

“I thought about it,” Tanaka says. “To be honest, I’m not very knowledgeable about movies myself, but Enno… I mean, your cousin is, and he has been mentioning a movie before which he can’t wait to see, so I figured it must be a nice one. It came out yesterday.”

“I… see,” Chikara replies. His fingers tighten around the strap of his handbag to stop his hand from shaking. Tanaka notices.

“Of… course we don’t have to watch it if the genre is not to your liking. So… what I mean is… let’s decide together?”

“Oh no, I have faith in Chikara’s taste in movies,” Chikara replies, waving away Tanaka’s worries.

He can’t admit how happy he feels. He can’t admit his excitement to watch the movie – it’s a very promising one he had his eyes on for months. Secretly, he wished that he could tempt Tanaka to watch it with him – but he never expected that it would be Tanaka who invites him.

Even if Tanaka thinks he is Hanako.

Even if Tanaka is rapidly falling for a creature entirely made up by Chikara.

Waiting in line for popcorn, Chikara learns something new: guilt feels even more painful than shapeshifting. It weighs down on him, as if his bones turned into lead and his flesh become marble. He can’t find it in him to smile, not when Tanaka is so honestly offers to hold his portion of popcorn as well. Not when the movie theatre goes dark around them, and the movie he waited for so long starts, and Tanaka gives out an excited little sound next to him, and his hand starts hurting with the ache to change back to its original – to hold Tanaka’s hand in his own, in his very own hand, and not one made out of thin air and wishful thinking.

His smile doesn’t return even when Tanaka takes him to another cute small café after the movie, where they eat overpriced crepes and drink hot chocolate in relative silence.

“Are you alright, Hanako-chan?” Tanaka asks, worry visible on his face. “Was the movie not to your liking?”

Chikara stares at the bottom of his cup, wondering if he remembers what the movie was about.

 

11.

“I think I messed something up,” Tanaka says instead of greeting.

“Can we discuss this later?” Chikara asks.

He is running away.

He knows he is running away.

He can’t run away fast enough.

 

12.

The burner phone he bought for the sake of his fancy façade buzzes three times, then it goes silent.

He stares at it and waits, for his common sense to beat out the curiosity and the affection.

His common sense loses, when he rolls over in bed, grabbing for the phone.

Tanaka’s message is short.

He apologizes for something he did not do and asks for a second chance.

He’s not pushy. He’s not begging, or pestering his beloved Hanako-chan for a reply.

Maybe, Chikara wonders, he should. Maybe if Tanaka showed a flow, then Chikara’s heart wouldn’t ache so much. But Tanaka is playing fair, and he respects the silence on Chikara’s end of the phone.

 

13.

He wears one of his own shirts from middle school tucked into a skirt, with the flat sandals he wore to their first date.

Tanaka wears an expression of absolute agony, and Chikara finds it just as hard to tear his eyes away from it as it is not to turn on his heels and run.

“I understand,” Tanaka says. “I’m sorry. I must have been annoying. Thank you for putting up with me for this while,” he pulls his lips into a smile, but there is nothing happy in it.

Chikara feels like he is the worst. In fact, he knows he is the worst.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, his voice shaking.

“No, please don’t apologize,” Tanaka says, and his hand flies up to touch Chikara’s shoulder, only to freeze mid-air. “I should be the one apologizing. You were kind enough to meet me to begin with, even if you only did it for Ennoshita’s sake…”

Yes. Chikara did it for his own sake.

For his own, goddamn selfish sake, he went ahead and broke Tanaka’s heart.

He only hears Tanaka faintly over the heavy hiccup of the beginning of a sob as he turns and dashes out from the station. He barely registers the water soaking his feet in the open toed sandal, the rain pouring and drenching his shirt, the mud sticking to his calves as he runs.

He knew it was a terrible idea.

Yet he had decided to go through with it.

Now he wishes he didn’t – he wishes if instead of shapeshifting, his power was time traveling, so he could go back and delete it all.

The smiles.

The bashfulness.

The hand holding.

The audible shattering of Tanaka Ryuunosuke’s heart as Chikara, pretending to be Ennoshita Hanako, told him he doesn’t want to meet again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Tanaka would say, you can only go up once you've fallen.

14.

After running away from Tanaka, Chikara finds himself out of breath few blocks down the road, shoulders wet and sandals sloshy with dirt water. He stepped in quite a few of puddles, dashing out of the station basically blind.

He heaves for air, hands and knees shaking, fingers curling in around the thick, slightly damp fabric of his skirt. His home is not close by, and the rain only gets stronger, but he decides to walk home instead of using the bus. He doesn’t feel strong enough to interact with other people.

 

15.

When Chikara arrives home drenched and depressed, dressed in a skirt and a body created to cheat his best friend into loving him, he finds his mother home. She should be at work still, and yet, she is there, standing in the kitchen, raising her gaze from the open fridge.

Chikara watches as his mom’s eyes first widen in surprise then soften with concern. He tries his damnest to hide his hideous appearance, but all he manages is lifting up his arm to cover his red and swollen eyes.

“Oh, Chikara,” his mother says, closing the distance between them quickly and drawing him in a warm embrace. “You’re dripping wet.”

“Mom,” he shivers.

“Come, let me fetch you a towel,” his mother leads him gently towards the bathroom. “You can tell me what happened later.”

 

16.

As the sun goes down Chikara’s temperature rises. It should be no surprise as he spent almost an hour and a half out in pouring rain wearing nothing but a pair of sandals – he still feels frustrated when his mother tucks him in, bringing him a cup of hot tea.

She has always been soft on him, something Chikara identified with the privilege of being an only child until the moment Tanaka took him on a boat, rowing for the both of them, smiling bright like the sun. It hurt. It still hurts. Knowing how much Tanaka must have prepared, playing with the feelings of a pure, unsuspecting, big-hearted idiot – it chips away Chikara’s sanity, little by little. The guilt he feels is unbearable – compared to it his sore throat and aching head feels like a gentle nibble.

His mother has always been soft on him, and lately, he started wondering. At age seven, when he first managed to shapeshift, growing interdigital webbing all over his hands to help him with his much dreaded swimming lessons, his mother gave him her strictest, most pointed look, one that he still remembers took his breath away. His mother leaned close, ruffling his hair and pulling him in a tight embrace before she told him: wishes would become his greatest enemy in life.

Chikara has been wondering, walking down the street hand-in-hand with Tanaka, and as he realized how much he dreads every second he lies to Tanaka, he finally understood his mother’s warning to the fullest.

It was a realization he wishes he never had.

He is half asleep when he senses his mother move about his head, placing a plate of freshly made porridge by his bed table.

“How was it for you?” he asks, voice croaking.

“Hn?” his mother hums in reply.

“What kind of mistake made you realize that wishes were dangerous?”

 

17.

His sleep is restless, unsolicited dreams haunting him.

Tanaka’s face in front of him is crystal clear. He sees Tanaka laughing, smiling, blushing; being bashful, cheeky, confident. He sees Tanaka reach out for his hand, and in his dreams, the hand Chikara holds out has not been made more feminine, slender. In his dream, Tanaka runs his thumb over the blisters on Chikara’s hand and lifts it up to his lips to give it a kiss.

In his dream, it’s Chikara who goes on a date with Tanaka.

 

18.

Chikara turns and tosses in his sleep as his dream turns dark and murky.

Tanaka’s smile is replaced by a small, sad frown, his laugh, the laugh that made Chikara fall for him in the first place, nowhere to be found.

Chikara growls, teeth grinding, skin prickling, and his hand curls in on itself, arms rolling back to his chest for new ones to grow and replace them.

 

19.

Chikara wakes to the persistent ring of the doorbell, playing an annoying tune only his dad likes – but he likes it so much he tends to hum it while he does gardening on the weekends.

Rolling out of bed is a hassle. His body feels heavy, and he feels so cold that he decides to drag his blanket after him down the stairs and to the front door.

“Yes?” he asks, opening the door.

“Hi, I’m brought some school stuff…” Tanaka stands on the other side, and something must not be right, Chikara thinks, as Tanaka drops the handouts he has been holding upon seeing him. “Kiyoko-san?!”

Something is definitely not right, but Chikara feels too sick to handle it. His hands some up to his face, touching his shoulder-length hair, his sharp chin, his plush lips.

“Oh,” he says. His voice is high, but not perfectly Shimizu Kiyoko – modulating voice is much harder than melting faces.

“Why are you here?” Tanaka asks, upon gathering himself, and he enters the house. “And why are you wearing Ennoshita’s pajamas? What kind of… what is happening here?”

Chikara feels to hazy to explain.

He also feels afraid to explain.

And there, he realizes; he didn’t quite break up with Tanaka for his sake. It was all selfish. He turned into a girl to catch his attention. He lied to him, even though he knew how serious Tanaka got. He hurt Tanaka over and over again, his own heart receiving cuts and bruises too, along the way.

He broke up because his conscience couldn’t bear it any longer. But he never actually planned to tell Tanaka the truth.

“It’s not what it looks like,” he says. Interrupted by a sudden fit of cough, he watches in horror the attentiveness Tanaka immediately has. He can’t stop himself from feeling jealous, fever fueling his feelings, painting the world in black and white. He can’t stop himself from hurting Tanaka more. “Don’t fawn over me, I’m not Kiyoko!” he croaks, pushing Tanaka away.

Pain pulses through his body, and as he looks down, he notices that the arm he is holding out is his own, wide and muscular, fingers knobby and blistered from practice.

Watching Tanaka’s face distort in horror is painful; it way overweighs the pain of transformation.

“I’m not who you think I am,” he continues. “I am a liar. I lied to you.”

 

20.

Tanaka leaves shortly afterwards.

Chikara collects the printouts at the front door, then closes the door behind him.

The walk upstairs has never felt so long before.

 

21.

It takes him almost a week to fully recover from his cold, and his mother is merciful enough not to send him back before he feels fully operational again, still, the time to return ultimately arrives.

It’s not as painful as he imagined it – the bus is not spitting flames and the school gates are not covered by hellfire. His classmates behave just as usual, and no one is sending daggers with their eyes towards Chikara.

As lunchtime rolls around, Tanaka doesn’t appear at the door with his loud voice and his lunchbox, and Chikara feels a little disheartened. It’s only to be expected, really, but it makes him think about volleyball practice after school, and his nerves tie a knot on his stomach.

 

22.

Tanaka, on his end, behaves exemplary. He greets Chikara when he arrives to the gym and doesn’t make a scene out of them being assigned as pairs for the warm ups. He even helps Chikara with stretching, even though no one would notice if he didn’t.

The only thing that differs from normal is the lack of chatter. Tanaka doesn’t speak when it’s not entirely necessary, and Chikara on his end feels too guilty to act as if nothing happened.

If he was his old self, say, from a year ago or so, he would’ve skipped practice. If he was… even his self from a week ago, he would’ve run away, from Tanaka, from the consequences of his lie.

Mainly from Tanaka.

But thanks to his fever his lie is out in the open now and Tanaka knows how hideous of a bastard he is, and he has already sworn to himself once not to run away from volleyball again.

His voice wavers, calling out for a toss to Tanaka after a risky save by Kageyama, but his feet carry him to the net and Tanaka delivers the ball to him.

Without saying his name.

Just passing the ball.

Right into his hands.

 

23.

“Oy. You’re weird,” Kinoshita approaches him after practice.

“Am I?”

“Did you have a fight with Tanaka or something?”

“Kind of.”

“Great. How long ‘til you reconcile?”

“I don’t know. Maybe never.”

“Ooh, dramatic! What happened, did you insult him over his scores on the test?”

“No,” Chikara shakes his head. “It was much worse.”

 _I insulted his feelings,_ he keeps to himself.

 

24.

Tanaka always changes so fast Chikara has barely peeled off his jersey he is already out the door.

It doesn’t necessarily feel strange – still, Chikara catches himself wondering from time to time, how was it before. Had Tanaka always been this fast, meaning that he waited for Chikara to finish? Or was he actually slow, and his high speed now is actually him avoiding Chikara?

 _It would be well-deserved_ , Chikara decides. _I didn’t even properly apologize._

 

25.

“Tanaka? Can I have a moment of your time?”

“A moment?” Tanaka scans him suspiciously. “Sure.”

“Can we um… can you meet me behind the school building after practice?”

“If that’s what you want…”

“Yes! I want that. Please.”

“Alright,” Tanaka nods. “I’ll be there.”

 

26.

The setting sun paints Tanaka’s skin in warm shades of orange and tan. Chikara looks at his face, always an open book to read. Tanaka stares back at him little strained as if he was trying to hold back a frown.

Chikara’s heart skips a beat; he takes a deep breath to calm himself before he starts.

“Thank you for coming.”

“You called,” Tanaka replies, waving his hand.

“I… I feel that I still owe you an explanation,” Chikara says. His hands sweat buckets, he can feel his fingertips sink into the damp cushions of his palm as he fists his hands anxiously. “It’s about my… shapeshifting heist.”

Tanaka nods in reply; Chikara can see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows.

Chikara wishes he could gulp too – swallow back the tremble from his voice, the nervousness from his mind – but his throat is so dry and parched, he can barely manage to talk as it is.

He has never been this nervous in his life. But then again, he has never confessed his feelings before either.

“Hanako… Hanako was not a practical joke,” he says. Words don’t come easy, but they come, for the first time since he decided to proceed with his terrible plan, voluntarily. “I didn’t… turn into a girl to play with your feelings and ridicule you.”

“I know that much,” Tanaka replies, voice soft and features mellowing.

“I was still cruel with you,” Chikara shakes his head, not allowing a bit of forgiveness to reach him until he finished his confession. “I was so tremendously selfish; I would like to apologize. Would you do me the favor to listen to all I have to say before you give me your verdict?”

Tanaka’s gaze is serious and he nods firmly in response.

“Thank you,” Chikara sighs. “Probably… it might get long. Probably it would be the best if we sit?”

Tanaka looks around – rightfully so; there are no benches here, behind the school, just a small patch of green, and a thin line of concrete lining the walls of the building. Finally, he shrugs, plopping down on spot and into the grass.

Chikara can’t help but smile a little as he follows suit.

It’s in these moments that he envies people like Hinata or Kageyama whose thoughts flawlessly materialize on their tongues in the form of words.

If he was like them, all he would say from daybreak to sunset would be different variations of ‘I love you, Tanaka Ryuunosuke’. The one he would love to let slip – but feels physically impossible to do so – would sound something along the lines of ‘oh, how adorable you are’. Instead, what he says is:

“I’ve been able to shapeshift since I was seven.”

 _A true romantic in the making_ , Chikara mocks himself.

“It’s not really a useful thing; the stories you can see on TV are not even close to reality. Imagine you have no control over your body while you’re sleeping. Your unconscious goes wild, and you wake up as someone else. Then you have to twist yourself back to your own shape, and you have to do it properly before school starts. Furthermore, shapeshifting is painful. Even a little modification, like healing a broken nail can hurt a lot. That’s why most shapeshifters don’t even use their powers. There are methods, like meditation, to help suppress your abilities. I went to a group session as a kid, and learned how to control it for the most part.”

Chikara catches himself going off topic, further and further from what he wants to talk about with every sentence. He makes a forceful stop, taking a huge, shaky breath.

“I… I can control my ability. Except… except when it comes to you.”

He wanted to say ‘feelings’ originally. He doesn’t know how it had changed to ‘you’ on the way out, but he feels that it’s more honest this way.

Tanaka opens his mouth then closes it. He gulps, nodding slightly as a sign for Chikara to carry on.

“Ever since we’ve first met as first years, you have constantly been on my mind. I have never felt so strongly about anyone before.”

There. He said it. Almost confession.

“I admire your strong will and determination. I love your laugh and your personality and… uh. You are amazing.”

At this Tanaka blushes, putting his hand up to hush Chikara.

Chikara swats his hand away along with his bashful mumbling.

“In fact, I enjoy your company so much that the idea of graduation frightens me, because I can’t imagine my life without you,” he says, looking Tanaka straight in the eyes. “As does the idea of you loving Kiyoko-senpai.”

He shrugs, casting his eyes away.

“I got so hung up on my feelings I ended up overthinking things. I started panicking. I wished… I wished you were in love with me. I thought if I was a girl, you would probably fall for me. I know, it was a terrible idea, but panic and reason are mutually exclusive.”

He reaches out, poking Tanaka’s knee with an awkward, timid movement.

“I was so blind I didn’t even consider what you would feel. I was so frantic I didn’t even think about the consequences. I knew damn well that it could not end happily, but I got too desperate… I never intended to hurt you, Tanaka. I know, this is not too much, after all I’ve done, but…”

A hand comes about, encircling his poking finger. Chikara looks up, and he is met with a somber smile on Tanaka’s face.

“I know,” Tanaka says.

Chikara stares at his finger in Tanaka’s hand, pale white in warm tan, like cream in between two pieces of biscuits, and wonders, what else he could say apart from: “Sorry.”

“Thank you,” Tanaka says. “Thanks for everything. For telling me about your ability. Your feelings. And thank you for returning to practice after… I’m sorry I shouted with you back then.”

“It was entirely warranted,” Chikara laughs. It’s not the happy type of laugh.

But now, at least they talk again.

 

27.

Spring rolls in. Third years graduate. New freshmen arrive.

Chikara becomes captain.

He contemplates a lot, trying to choose his vice-captain. Kinoshita would be great as he can lift the spirits of the team, while Narita could be trusted with handling the possible problem children. Tsukishima would surely refuse the opportunity, even if he is perfect for the position. Maybe, Chikara thinks, he can make him his successor as captain. He can manipulate the situation just so, to make it impossible for Tsukishima by then.

Whom he needs beside him is someone he can rely on. Someone who can inspire the team, handle the underclassmen, be loud when Chikara loses his voice. Someone with mental fortitude and a cheerful personality to top it off.

Tanaka accepts his offer.

 

28.

The passage of time may take the edge off of acute pain, but it doesn’t heal all wounds. And it definitely doesn’t help Chikara in overcoming his feelings for Tanaka.

He knows, he should give up.

Tanaka was kind enough to forgive him, and acts as if nothing happened.

But that also means that, no matter how pretty he tries to put it, Chikara’s confession was rejected.

He knows he should move on; find someone else to fawn over. It might be easier if Tanaka was not constantly in the periphery of his vision, looking stunning as ever, being the best vice-captain Chikara could have ever wished for.

 _Maybe_ , Chikara thinks, _graduation is not so bad after all_.

Maybe if they end up in different universities, which most certainly they would, he could finally move on.

And until then, there is no harm in silently appreciating those tanned biceps.

 

29.

“You’re a life saver,” Tanaka steps over the threshold of the Ennoshita household, shaking off his winter coat and kicking off his shoes.

He needs no guidance; he knows the way to Chikara’s room.

“It’s beneficial for me too,” Chikara says, following Tanaka upstairs. “By tutoring you I also learn.”

 

30.

 _Sleepover study sessions are wonderful_ , Chikara concludes as he watches Tanaka breathe softly in the futon laid out on the floor. He wishes he wasn’t a dumb idiot. He could’ve had so much more of this if he didn’t get desperate.

Sleep weighs his eyelids down, but he fights sleep, wishing to savor every last minute he can see Tanaka like this.

Practices have ended. Finals are within a week, then all they will have are the entrance exams to their selected universities.

His heart aches and he rolls to the very edge of his bed to be closer to Tanaka in a fit of useless sentiment.

His lids finally close as a dream drags him to the other side.

For the first time in a while, his dream is a pleasant one.

 

31.

Chikara awakens to fingers adjusting his bangs to one side. Their touch is so soft and featherlike he needs several seconds to realize they are there and to recognize what they are doing.

He cracks his eyes open, glancing up to be met with Tanaka’s caught-red-handed expression.

“What?” he murmurs, reaching out to tap the top of his head. “Did you put something in my hair as a prank?”

“I tried to attach this ribbon,” Tanaka says, lifting up something for Chikara to see.

His sleep-heavy eyes need a little time to adjust, recognizing the hairpin he wore to his first date with Tanaka as Hanako. Panic rises his pulse, his eyes pop wide open, and he tries to snatch it away from Tanaka, but he lifts his hand out of Chikara’s reach.

“Where did you find that?”

“I was not trying to ransack your stuff,” Tanaka says. “I wanted to put away the futon, so I opened the wardrobe, and a box fell off from the highest shelf.”

Tanaka doesn’t have to describe the box for Chikara to know what happened. His shameful mistake once again reared its ugly head as a reminder that no matter how his relationship with Tanaka is, he has once almost ruined it all.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, hiding his face in the pillow. “I swear I haven’t shifted ever since I… broke up with you.”

Tanaka doesn’t move from his spot sitting on the edge of Chikara’s bed, and Chikara takes it as a positive sign.

“I just… couldn’t get myself to throw away it all. The pictures, the clothes… I know, the whole scheme was ugly, but those things ended up being my only memento of our dates.”

“Hn,” Tanaka hums.

“I’m sorry.”

“Hn.”

“I’m really…”

“I liked Hanako,” Tanaka says then, cutting into Chikara’s apologies. “Of course I did. She was beautiful and kind, and funny. I liked how she would tease me all the time. Her smile was so bright and she was so sharp; I loved her witty comebacks.”

Chikara whines in reply, hiding his face behind his blanket.

“Her messages kept me up at night, thinking about how could I impress someone so impressive,” Tanaka continues. “And you know what I liked about her the most? Why I could be freely myself with her, without being the giant mess I usually am? Why could I honestly enjoy myself with her?”

Chikara doesn't try to guess. He buries himself deeper into the blankets, and wishes Hanako was real. That she could make Tanaka happy for real.

He feels the weight of Tanaka's hand, landing on the blanket around his shoulder.

„I realized that I liked Hanako because she reminded me of you,” he hears Tanaka say. The hand grabs and squeezes his shoulder through the blanket. „I liked her because under those layers of dresses and makeup and soft voice and sweet scent she was so essentially you, Ennoshita.”

 _Liar_ , Chikara wants to grumble, but no words come out his lips; his throat goes dry, his eyes moisten.

„So… um. I've been thinking. The one I fell for might have been a girl. But it was also _you_ and… and I don't really need to be in… in love with a girl, you know. I can… I mean, I _am_ … in love with _you_.”

Tanaka stutters like crazy, his shaky voice coming out in almost hiccups. His hand over Chikara's shoulder trembles, and Chikara has witnessed this behavior from him many times: starting with the first time when he met Kiyoko, to the way he greeted Kiyoko every morning, to that one time he offered to carry Kiyoko's bags and she actually accepted the help… it sounds like the Tanaka who tries to court.

Chikara holds his breath, afraid that if he exhales this whole scene turns into dust, and he awakens from a dream to his room empty.

“Are…” he starts, voice shaking just as must as Tanaka’s. “Are you for real?” he asks finally.

„I think I am,” comes the reply.

„Knowing what kind of person I am and what I’m capable of…” Chikara continues, still too afraid to move, to untangle himself from the blankets and look Tanaka in the eyes, no matter how much he craves to see his face now.

Tanaka may just feel the same, because he grabs Chikara by the shoulders and yanks him forward, forcing Chikara to see him in the eye as his protective blanket barrier falls into his lap.

Tanaka’s face is red as a tomato. His breathing is heavy, his lips are slightly open, his eyes are glistening with determination. He is the most beautiful creature in the universe.

“Yes,” he says definitively. “I know.”

“Then how can you say…”

“Chikara, you are the brightest, wittiest, most attractive creature I’ve ever known.”

“I… pretended to be someone else. I insulted your feelings!”

“The one whose feelings you’ve hurt the most were your own,” Tanaka continues and raises one of his hands from Chikara’s shoulder to cup his face instead. “I have long forgiven you. It’s time you stop blaming yourself too.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that I…”

“People change. We learn.”

“Am I the most attractive you know?” Chikara asks then, voice barely a sob.

“Hn. And yes, you can also frighten the living shit out of me on occasion, but you are not the Don of Karasuno without reason.”

“You sure about loving me?”

“I could be more sure if you let me kiss you,” Tanaka teases, and he laughs the most obnoxious, insufferable, ugly laugh Chikara has ever heard. The laugh that made him fall for Tanaka in the first place.

“Kiss? Aren’t you going too fast?” Chikara asks, melting into Tanaka’s touch.

“I think my tempo is being appropriate,” Tanaka replies, caressing Chikara’s face with his thumb. “We were on several dates. We held hands already. Shouldn’t a kiss be the most natural turn of events?”

“When did you become so smart with words?”

“When I realized that there was nothing more I wanted than to shut you up with my mouth.”

“How very romantic of you.”

“Shut up,” Tanaka leans close, teasing his lips over Chikara’s.

Chikara pulls back, pinching his face hard.

“Ouch.”

“What was that for?”

“Just to make sure this is real,” he answers, leaning back against Tanaka’s hand, soothing his aching skin against Tanaka’s flat palm. “Now, I still don’t feel prepared, or worthy, enough for a kiss, but I may accept and indulge.”

“I see,” Tanaka replies, lifting his other hand to Chikara’s face. “Shouldn’t I inspect too; what if you’re not even Ennoshita Chikara, but some shapeshifter playing with my heart?”

“There’s no such thing as a shapeshifter.”

“Apart from you. And all those other kids from your childhood group session.”

“Oh my god, you remember that one?”

“Of course,” Tanaka replies. “I remember everything you ever told me.”

“That… seems to be true,” Chikara says, interrupted mid-sentence by an abrupt peck on his lips. “Hey, I was not done talking.”

“See. Can’t even shut you up with a kiss.”

“Say,” Chikara says in reply, “do you want to skip studying today?”

“I’m thrilled to know you have other ideas, but I really need to ace my entrance exams,” Tanaka replies. “I heard that my lover’s first choice is a strong university so I seriously need to up my game.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for sticking with me! Please take the tooth-rotting fluff of the ending as medicine to heal any damage caused by the angsty parts before.


End file.
